How not to fear yourself, or: why hiding is bad
I had, to this point, made already several blogs, accounts and whatnot for pretty much every service. Each time, however, I end up deleting them. Why? Because I treat myself too harshly, trying to tell myself that what I've done is too bad or uninteresting. While I know that what I write and make is not exactly good, this constant fear that something is always imperfect is way too overblown.
Being too scared to admit that it is not as bad as I think, I always kept deleting what came before and starting anew. Not only with blogs, all my books, ideas, and tons of stuff I scrapped purely because I thought I am not good enough, and that it is itself not interesting enough.
All that made me hide, not because I had a reason to, but because I believed I could never be as interesting as others; Whenever I tried to open out, and talk to other people, I couldn't, because I was afraid of fucking something up, and doing something wrong.
Some time in March or April this year (that late!) did I realize none of this was okay. Beforehand, I tried opening up, but up until this point I did not face my biggest fear: people. Up until then, I refused going out with most other people on many occasions and that was stupid of me.
Refusing to straight up face these situations out of fear will never help me fighting them and, as simple as it sounds, I did not want to believe it. But there is no other way, is there? Even if we fear doing it now, it will get better down the line and will be okay when we accustom ourselves to it.
I could delete this post or scrap it, because it "makes no sense" or because I think it's too stupid or simply because I'm afraid. But if I never write these things and publish them, who will critique them? Who will help me improve? Improve what?
Hiding is not how a person grows and, as obvious as it seems, personal growth comes from mistakes. And being an idiot, like me. But to understand what is wrong, one has to open up and face those fears instead.
I imagine myself capable of doing this someday, and that is what I wanted to achieve by making a blog again. I do not want to hide myself because I believe what I write is shit or because it actually is. I want to write because I love that, and because I can improve down the line. Maybe even, some day, achieve what I always wanted to do.
This post may seem trivial but in reality these things made me realize how important it is so face my many fears. Including seeing people, and talking to people. But I know I can change that, some day.
Living in fear is not okay. Please don't make the same mistakes as I did in my life.